Military Terms

This is not to forget our:

Post-Imperial Guilt
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A national state of mind that places us firmly in the dock for being directly responsible for all the World's ills. Whatever it is, guaranteed it's our fault... and sorry isn't enough. What is enough, however, is billions of Pound's worth of Overseas Aid and compensation for everything ranging from slavery right down to the great Nigerian banana crop failure of 1976. 'It was us guv, and you got us bang to rights!'

So, if your great, great uncle Rastus got his ass bitch-whipped on to the plantations of the West Indies back in 1800, chances are that a cheque is winging its way to your letterbox right now - accompanied by a letter of profound apology from the Celestial Navigator himself. And quite right too.

Next week: The Pope apologises for The Crusades... but Mohammed apologies for Feck All!
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There are Useful Idiots who swallow the stories about White Guilt, while they are at university IF they want to get decent results from corrupt teachers.

 

Pope
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Head Honcho in the Roman Catholic Church. All Christian churches are 'catholic' (with a small 'c'), but this one is of the former Roman Empire type - and the Pope is, in theory, Christ's Vicar on Earth. The post is currently held by a former Hitler Youth from Bavaria with a bit of a downer on contraceptive devices and all other religions it seems.

He's also (allegedly) not keen on Islam [Who is?] having quoted a Byzantine Emperor who was on the pointy end of gentle Islam: Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.

The Islamic retaliation to 'that' sentence proved that times have not changed and "Cut the heads off the Infidels" and "Lets go to the UK and tell their kids to kill each other in an explosive suicidal manner" T-shirts and banners were displayed with gusto. Usual drill really. He might as well have said that Muslims weren't fit to lick dogshit of the soles of his jackboots for the furore that ensued. A right ol' tetchy bunch they are. Any excuse for a bit of effigy immolation and flag ignition.

In july 2007 a new declaration approved by Pope Benedict XVI insisted Protestant churches were mere 'ecclesial communities' and their ministers effectively phonies with no right to give communion. There is only one Christian church and it's Catholic. As Herr Pope said... “Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Papa!”

December 2008 and Pope Benny decided that taking it up the hoop was bad and should be viewed as important as saving the rain forests. Naughty anti gay comments here.

Islamaphobe, protestant-hater and homophobe, you've got to admit this Pope has opinions unlike the last one who just covered up paedophilia in mother church.

Famous for such quotations Does the Pope shit in the woods? and Is the Pope a Virgin. Also famous for Papal bath time products - the Pope-on-a-Rope (which sells very well in Northern Ireland) being the most successful. The Vatican gift shop does quite a line in themed gift ware: Turin Shroud duvet covers, Mary Magdalene tea towels and super absorbent stigmata pads to name but a few. But I digress.
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True or false? Up to you.

 

Mohammed
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Also aka Muhammad, aka Muhammed, aka Mahomet and a fair few other variants ... guess he had problems with the police or the Child Protection Agency ... (born 570AD - died 632), was the founder of Islam and is regarded by Muslims as the last messenger and prophet of God (thats Allah ... not the Jewish God or the weedy Christian God).

Criticism of Mohammed is often equated with blasphemy. Which is punishable by death in Pakistan as well as having your national flag burned and 'spontaneous' demonstrations against your country. Muslims will be furious ... a more or less permanent state for them especially if you allow 7 year old pupils in your class to call a teddy bear Mohammed!

Mohammed of course loved children ... literally. He married the 6 year old daughter of one of his friends ... jeez, you can see where they get some of their dodgy ideas from can't you.

Seems you can have pictures of Mohammed under some sects. Muslims of course argue bitterly (often with guns) as to whether or not images of Muhammad are permissible. Sunni say it leads to idolatry and is forbidden, Shia say its ok. Just another reason for them to kill each other I guess.

and now some humour...

A Muslim was killed in a car accident and he arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter says: "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven."

The Muslim says: "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Mohammed.

St. Peter says: "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Mohammed"

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says: "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim is very excited. "Moses, it's such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Mohammed".

Moses says: "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Mohammed." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks: "Who are you?"

The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God: "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Mohammed."

God says: "Ohh... You're here to see Mohammed. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?" The Muslim says: "I would love a cup of coffee." God yells into the kitchen: "Yo Mohammed. 2 coffees!!!"
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3 Para Mortar Platoon
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Unit Motto: Take us in the rear and we'll give you a good spanking.

Rumours of strange goings on in 3 Para Mortars date back to the 1980s when a member was found to be supplementing his meagre military salary by working as a 'rent boy'. Oh how the rest of the army laughed! Oh how The Parachute Regiment clapped their hands to their heads and wished the ground would swallow them up!

Since those halcyon days, the boys from mortars have become synonymous with all things gay. It's all good fun-poking of course, but it is the perfect example of one singular event having extremely long mileage.

However it may not all be in the past. With the Parachute Regiment deployment to Afghanistan it was only a matter of time till their deviancy made the papers. After a heated firefight, a member of the mortars' platoon said: "The Taliban took us from the rear and we gave them a good spanking." Nice to see the unit motto quoted in the press.

Article here. Please take note of the repeated references to the 'enemy's backyard' ... not that we're inferring anything you understand!
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The article really is here.